Against my will

When I was 16, footloose and fancy free and most of all, as innocent as the driven snow, I went on holiday by myself to the Isles of Scotland. I probably have my notebook somewhere from those days - many years ago. I didn't have much money nor many friends as I was re-building my life after my childhood, so I was holidaying on my own. It was great. So much fun.

No one to tell me what to do or where to go. I had freedom. I was from the city and here I was in the great outdoors. On one of the islands, was an old fisherman type character collecting cockles from the shore. It was a picture as I looked over the shore and there was this man complete with arran jumper and almost the Captain Birdseye about him!

We got chatting as I'm that kind of a person. He turned out to be a retired bus driver from Bradford which was not the poetic past I had imagined he would have, but never mind. He seemed harmless enough. His wife had died he told me, and then invited me to dinner at his place. Always the one to meet the locals I agreed.

The due time for dinner arrived and I went to his house. Dinner was mildly unpleasant and lukewarm but that's life. He said he wanted to redecorate but without a woman's touch, he missed his wife, he wasn't sure what to do and asked if he could show me around so that I could make suggestions. This was in the days before design programmes. What did I know about design but never mind, I'm just a nosy person at times and I might just be able to help.

I did not expect what happened in the loft bedroom. He invited me to sit on the bed as we discussed decorations. I was a little uncomfortable but nothing more and so did as suggested.... the next thing, this old toothless man has thrust himself at me locking his lips on mine with his tongue pushed in my mouth, at some point muttering his dead wife's name and telling me to "relax". The shock. The horror. The revoltion. I was still the stronger person and managed to push him off me and then began my career of extreme diplomacy.

Somehow I managed to diffuse the situation, calm him down, and then beat a rapid but safe exit.

I was due to stay on that island a few more days. The next day I hastily left but not before I had spent that night sobbing my heart out. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid. I couldn't believe that he dared to take advantage of such a young girl. And all I could hear was him saying "relax, relax". I can remember that night clearly - it was decades ago.

That night I thought my entire life would be devastated by what happened. Technically, that could be construed as my first kiss but I don't and never thought of it as such. That wasn't a kiss; an act of joy between two consenting people. That was an attack.

That old man's karma will deal with him and I'm afraid I can't look fish fingers in the eye! I learned a lot that night.

Amazingly that event didn't devastate me. I went on to have some very healthy encounters, and when I think of my first kiss I can go into raptures remembering that special moment.